Nothing Else Matters

I really thought that when I woke up this morning that my day was going to suck.  First off my husband's best friend decided it was a smart idea to call MY cell phone at 4am this morning because he had seen a status updated I had posted 12 hours previously saying I had lost my phone.  However in the same post I said never mind Dan found it.  Then because we were awoken by the phone ringing the cats thought it was time to play.  ( I own 2 very annoying cats) The first cat decided the Mommy and Daddy were both a great punching bag to tread on. On our face! The second cat (the one who has chewed through so many cell phone chargers that I now charge my phone in our truck) decided that he wanted to play with the plastic the fan was blowing around.

After finally getting the two of them to settle down we finally were able to close our eyes just in time to hear WHAAAAA! Sarai was awake.  NOOOO! I thought as I crawled out of bed to see what she needed.  I am too tired for this.  As I went into her room she settled down and went right back to sleep.  Oh thank you self soothing baby.  Around 7 the alarm went off and Daddy got up to get her.  Grumbling as he went that he was too tired and he was woken up to often last night.  Grouch!  I was up just as much as he was but do you hear me complaining? NO.

Things went from bad to worse as the morning progress.  I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for 1015 this morning and I just knew that it was going to make for a very long day.  Around 845, Sarai started getting really fussy and tired.  She started to doze right in my arms so I looked at my husband, who was laying back in his chair with his eyes closed, and asked him to take her to her crib.  He asked me "but what about your appointment? If she goes to sleep now we will miss it."

Did he think I didn't already think about that?  Did he assume that I wasn't going to go out of my way and cancel my appointment so that he could go back to sleep?  Don't I always put his needs in front of my own?

And of course I didn't say any of this to him.  I just smiled and said "It's no big deal, hunny. I will just reschedule."

So as I sent my daughter and my husband back to bed, I began to wonder if this was what my life had become.  Had I allowed myself to disappear into the roles I was staring in?  Have I finally forgotten what it was like to come first?

Please don't get me wrong.  I love being Dan's wife and Sarai's Mama.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I have seen what the other side holds and I don't want that.  But maybe that's the problem.  Maybe I need to figure out what it is that I do want.  Do I want to be defined as the roles I play? Or do I want to be Lyndsay who just happens to be a mom and wife?

Almost 2 years ago I wrote a blog entitled Susie Homemaker.  I just went back to reread that blog because I felt it gave me such insight to who I was when I wrote that.  Am I the same person?  No, but that's the good news.  2 years ago I was struggling with who I am in this world.  Now I am struggling with who I am in my life.  Might not sound different but it is.  2 years ago I defined my self as a battered woman, struggling to survive my life.  Today I am proud to say that I have been free from my enemies as such.  But that is a different blog and I am getting off topic.

So why did I say that nothing else matters?  Well because something happened this morning to make all the pain, and stress, and heartache that I have been feeling and wipe it all away.  Sarai said MAMA.  I felt like I was a kid in a candy store.  I couldn't believe just how much my baby girl was growing up.  I was getting down because my husband woke up grumpy.  How many times have I done that  to him?  I was angry because things weren't going my way but since when have they ever gone the way I wanted them to.
At that moment when my little angel reached up from her Daddy's arms and said Mama, my heart melted just like it did the moment I met her for the first time.  I hadn't disappeared.  I was right there and she reminded me who I was.  I was Mama and that is a name I will proudly answer to every day of my life.

Mission Possible

Since the title of this blog is Melting Mama, I figured I should start writing about my journey and my plan of attack.  First lets start with the basics.

Age : 26 yrs
Weight : 341 according to the doctor
Basal Metabolic Rate : 3193 calories a day to maintain
Calorie limit : 2380 calories a day
Daily deficit :  813 calories a day

So what this states is that if I eat no more then 2380 calories a day I should be able to lose 1.626 lbs a week.  My doctor says he wants me to lose 5 pounds a month.  However he also wants me to eat no more then 2000 calories a day.  If I follow what the doctor says then I should be losing 2.386 lbs a week.  Having explained the basics lets get to the mission at hand.

Time frame : June 8th 2012 (Sarai's 1st birthday)
Weight as of last year : 382 lbs ( pregnancy weight due to high blood pressure)
Goal weight : 299 lbs
Total lost : 46 lbs true weight ( I was 345 lbs prior to pregnancy)
% lost : 13.3%

So that means from this point I need to lose 42 lbs in the next 14 weeks. So lets break that down.

42 lbs = 147k calories. That's 10,500 calories every week.  That's 1500 calories a day that I need to either eat less or exercise more.  Well lets go back up to the basic information.  According to my calculations I am already eating 813 calories less then my bmr so that means I need to come up with a way to exercise 687 calories.  In order to do that the easiest way is to walk.  And walk and walk.

But seriously, walking is what my doctor has recommended for me as a regular exercise.  He wants me to get in 30 minutes every day walking at a 3.5 to 4.5 mph.  Since I am just starting out I am going to use 3 mph for 60 minutes. That would give me 673 calories burned every day.

Now that we have all the basic calculations done lets get how I am going to do this.

First
I will get up every morning on time at 7am. I will make sure that I eat breakfast before 8am and I will get dressed by 9am. I will use the 2 hours that Sarai is taking a nap in the morning for my personal quiet time with God.  I will do a daily devotional and spend time LISTENING to God.

February 26 2012

Second
I will eat a healthy lunch every day before noon.  I will work with Sarai on her therapy needs before her afternoon nap every day.  I will use her second nap of the day as an opportunity to work out every day.  I will go to the gym every day for 1 hour and walk on the treadmills.  I will walk 3 miles every day.

Third
I will eat a healthy satisfying meal for dinner before 6pm every night.  I will stop eating in front of the television and I will start having a sit down meal with my family.  I will read to my daughter every night before she goes to bed.  I will end my night with a relaxing shower and go to bed before midnight every night.

So thats my plan.  Any thoughts?

So what's a Canadian?

While I was helping my husband fill out applications online for a local restaurant, we came across the inevitable question.   You know the one.  Towards the end of the application that one question that asks what gender you are.  Well we all know the answer to this question. Or do we?  When I went to select my answer I noticed there were 4 choices.  Male, Female, Prefer not to answer, and wait for it. Canadian.  So here is my question: Whats a Canadian?

Since this wasn't a very long blog, I figured it was time to let my daughter introduce some of the important people in her life to you all.

First there is Daddy.  He loves me so much.  He spent every moment he could with me when I was born.

 After I came home from the hospital, I didn't like my Daddy that much.  But things changed.  He is now one of my best people in the world.  We play lots of games together.  My favorite game is Where's the Baby? That's where he hides me behind his head and acts like he can't see me.  Sometimes we get a little too wild and Mommy has to remind us to settle down.  When I really want something all I have to do is put my arms up for Daddy to pick me up and he will give me what ever I want.  I know I am spoiled.

This is my favorite Mommy!  

Then there is Mommy.  I have loved my Mommy since the moment I first laid eyes on her.  She is always there for me even when she wishes that she could sleep in.  I won't let anything come between me and my Mommy.  Mommy says I am a big girl because I have finally learned to let her leave the room long enough to go to the bathroom with out me.  I just figured she wanted some company.  I know I don't like to be alone.  The other important people in my life are not included in these pictures but they are really cool.  I am the luckiest little girl in all the land.  Mommy says I even have a guardian kitten.  Oh look there he is watching over me and Daddy sleeping in.  That's Sherbert.  He has been watching over me since I was still inside Mommy.  Mommy said that every morning when she would wake up he would jump on the bed and wake me up.  I liked the sound of his purr.   Well its getting late and I need to get some sleep.  I get to go spend time with my Nana and Papa tomorrow. But Mommy says that I can come back any write to you guys again soon.

Frustrations

Well, I totally anticipated that I would be writing a lot sooner then this, but my week has kinda vanished from me.  Wednesday morning I got a call from my mom letting me know that she got a call from my dad that he was on his way to the hospital.  They weren't sure but thought he was having a heart attack.  Of course this caused me to go into crisis mode which means that I have to stop what ever I am doing and start making a list.  Ok what types of things do I need to put on that list?

The following is what went through my mind.  It probably won't make much sense as far as grammar goes but you will at least get a sense of where I was at.

Dad ambulance hospital! Must pack! Clothes! Computer! Husband! Oh wait did I tell Dan what was going on yet?  Better do that first! Sarai's crying must soothe.  Dad hospital must hurry!  How long are we going to be gone?  Oh Dan wants input from me.  Wait what am I doing?  Oh yeah Dad hospital! Oh yeah mom needs to get to the hospital.  Oh crap I have to take her.  Oh wait I can work on my booklets while I'm in town.

Finally at some point about 2 minutes after hanging up the phone and having that wonderful conversation with myself, I looked up and realized that I needed to get dressed.  Luckily my husband is a wonderful man who can anticipate what we are going to need and has done the whole crisis mode with me a few times that he knows the routine:

Get duffy bag for clothes.  Put 3 days of clothes in bag. Get clothes for Sarai.  Get food for Sarai. Pack up laptop bag.  Feed cats.  Water plants. Turn off lights.

We try to make getting ready for a crisis mode rather simple because in our life crisis hits daily.  So after all of this we finally made it to town got to my moms and then it started.  No I'm not talking anything earth shattering just regular old I was raised up to become my parents slave type thinking.  I know that I am not their slave and I know that they are very appreciative of all the things that I do for them. However, I have been raised to know what their expectations are in a crisis and those expectations are that I will drop everything to make sure they have what they need.

And this fact was proven so many different times in the last 72 hours that I lost count.  I love my parents I really do.  I need you to believe that fact before I tell you the next fact.  Understand that my parents are extremely important to me and I do not know where I would be if anything happened to either one of them.

Ok now I can say what I feel so guilty about.  When I heard that my Dad was on his way to the hospital and that he might be having another heart attack, my first thought wasn't about packing.  It was "How am I going to be able to ask our friends and family for prayers of healing for my Dad when I don't know if that is what I want?"  I didn't know if I wanted my Dad to get better.  Did I want him to die?  NO not at all!  I was just tired of trying to convince him to do something to make his life better.

Now don't get me wrong I really do like helping my parents out.  However I have this inability to say no to my parents.  I put their needs before my own.  And part of my journey towards Melting Mama is learning to find boundaries in the different areas of my life.  I don't yet know how to do that with my parents.  Part of me wonders if it is because they help us out so much and part of me wonders if it is because I feel a duty to them.

Take for instance this week.  While my dad was at the hospital we stayed at their house.  We cleaned their kitchen and living room.  I even went to the store for them.  None of this was uncommon for us.  However on the day he was released we were told that he wasn't going to be released til morning.  So my mom asked if I would go to our bank and cash a check for her and to get us some supper.  Sure no problem.  She is paying for my dinner so I don't mind.  That is until she calls me while I was in the check out at the store.

Guess what!  They are releasing your dad in 2 hours!  (NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) So now I had to figure out how to get my daughter, my husband, myself, and my parents into their buick.  Of course we couldn 't because as I have said before my parents (and myself) are morbidly obese.  So now I had to get back to my parents place.  After a little while my mother calls me at her house to let me know that she just had a massive nose bleed.  Which of course means she was done and done in.  She wanted to come home NOW!

So how were we going to do this?  Well I was going to drive to the hospital.  Pack up all of Dad's stuff and pick up Mom.  Then I was going to take her mom drop her off and go back for Dad.  Oh did I mention it was 9pm?

So what do I do?  Nothing.  Because there was nothing I could do except what they wanted me to do.  So I did just like any good servant.  And when I went to pick up my dad, he told me he wanted to stop off at Steak N Shake for a milkshake.  Okay I could accept that because he had been coughing really bad and wanted something cold for his throat.  So as I was driving he said I also think I want a cup of chili.  CHILI ARE YOU SERIOUS?

HE HAD JUST BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS STOMACH NOT FEELING GOOD AND NOW HE WANTS CHILI FROM STEAK N SHAKE?!?! AND I AM SUPPOSED TO GET IT FOR HIM?

I finally convinced him that I wasn't going to get him chili so he said ok how about some french fries? I was tired and didn't want to fight so I got it for him and took him home.

Well my daughter is crying (no nap) and needs Mommy to feed her.  I better wrap this up.  I will write again soon.

Allergies in February?! You have got to be kidding me

Well its official.  The end of the world as we know it.  It is February 21st and we have yet to have a blizzard this winter.  Do you know what that means?  That means that I have been suffering from my SPRING time allergies since the beginning of the month!  First it started with the weather staying warm and my wonderful husband opening the windows.  I have been miserable for weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  Sarai seems to finally be getting over her cold and congestion just in time to have a mommy who having the running nose and sinus drainage.  And of course my wonderful new doctor who is treating me for sleep apnea says that I can't take the antihistamines that I have taken my entire life because they are the older generation of drugs and can cause drowsiness.  I can't have that he says because I have narrowed air passage ways that are causing me to have worsened apnea symptoms.

So what does my wonderful adoring husband do?  He says that he wants to plant vegetables this year as well as a couple of different flower plants.  And of course since we have to start them inside for 8 weeks that just means I am going to suffer even more from my allergies.

So today we went to the dollar general to get what ever we wanted.  We each had 16 dollars!  I spent my money on getting some supplies for a project that I am working on for my sparkpeople team.  I am making Verse of the Day memory cards.  Its actually been a lot of fun so far.

 I thought as I closed this blog I would introduce you to some key players in my life.  This is my husband Dan and daughter Sarai.  They are my world and I would do anything for them.  Right now we are struggling with Dan finding a job.  It is really hard.  I know that this is the place I decided that I would become completely honest with my readers on here and I will share everything with you.  Just not in this Blog.

This picture was taken right after Sarai's first bath.  Not really her first bath since she was 8 months old in this picture but the first bath she allowed Daddy to give her.  That was such a special day for both me and my husband.  I had been basically her sole care giver since she was born.  She would scream if anyone else held her or if I left the room.  Now she is finally bonding with Daddy and letting him hold her and play with her.

There are a few other important players in our family however they need a blog all to themselves.  At least if I want to be proper about introducing them to the blog world.  I hope that someone out there gets something from my ramblings and please leave me a comment.  I love reading them and getting people's feedback on my life.  It might be simple but it gives me great Joy.

I pray for each one of my readers that God will show you what His plans are for your life.  I know what mine is and I am willing to step up to the plate.

Blessings,
Lyndsay

Who is my audience?

When I am writing a blog on sparkpeople.com I know who my audience is.  It is a bunch of people who have at least one thing in common with me.  We are all trying to change our lives to become healthier people.  But what is the common bond I have with the people who are reading this blog?  Where is my audience coming from?

Are you a parent trying to raise your children in a Godly home?  Yep!  That's me!
Are you a child of parents who are fighting physicial limitations?  Yep!  That's me, too!
Are you a spouse struggling with your role in life?  Yep!  That's me!

Well if any of those fit the situation that you are living in then you will probably find at least 1 blog on here that will speak to you.  Why is that you might ask?  Well I am so glad you asked.

My name is Lyndsay.  I am a mother to a 8 month old little girl who has started to stand all by her self.  (Well not really but she can stand up from a sitting position if you hold her hands.) I promise a lot of my blogs will be about life with her and how I will NEVER let her out of the house by her self when she is a teenager.  I am also the daughter of 2 people who both suffer from physical limitations.  My father is a diabetic with massive vision loss in his left eye.  This means he can't drive at night and he can't drive the highway so I am his designated driver when he has to go out of town.  Why is that you might ask?  Well that's because my mother is morbidly obese and she is wheel chair bound at her own house.  I help out around their house every week and it can become taxing.  However there are bound to be a few funny stories that come out of it.

I am also on Disability due to Bipolar disorder and PTSD. I struggled with misdiagnosis Bipolar for 2 years because no one took me serious.  They thought that I was too intelligent to have a serious enough condition to warrant placing me on disability.  I was even told at one point that because I asked my doctor what a drug he was putting me on would do to my chances of having a child before he put me on it proved that I was stable enough to hold down a job.  If you have ever struggled to get SSDI, trust me I do understand and some of what I write about is a direct link to that subject.

My husband has been unemployed for almost a year now.  Is it tough?  YES! But we have God on our side.  Now trust me when I say that I am not delusional (ok maybe I am a little) We have our ups and downs all the time and it causes a lot tension in our house.  We are together 24/7 and it drives us nuts.  We have finally managed to understand the need for each others own personal space and time.  So if you are struggling in this economy to provide for your family I understand and a lot of my posts will be about that topic!

So that's me!  In a nut shell at least.  I really hope that you stick around and get to know me a little better.  I love meeting new people and hopefully I will have a topic that someone will want to read.

Is anyone out there?

Before you read any farther let me be the first to say that this is how I remembered things happening in my life.  If someone has another point of view for how things happened that is fine but allow me to express my feelings about a situation.

I have no idea what to write.  I have been working on this first blog for over 4 hours and every time I get about a paragraph into it I delete everything that I have written.  I don't know what people want to read about.  I don't know why people would want to write a blog for others to read.  While I do love to read about people who have goal in mind and the ways that they get to it, I have never understood the reasoning behind it.

What do you want to read about?  I don't know if I will ever even have a reader for this blog.  I figure that if I work at it some days I will have a stroke of genius and everything will make sense.  However for now I guess I will follow the same advice that other writers use.  Write what you know.

So what is it exactly that I know?  Well I know how stressful it is to raise a 8 month old little girl going through her first ear infection.  I know the struggles that a new wife faces in the first 2 years of marriage.  I know how hard it is to get approved for disability.  So I guess I should start at the beginning.  But where exactly is the beginning?  Is the beginning the day I realized I was not going back to work?  Is the beginning the day we found out I was pregnant?  No I guess not.  I guess to fully understand who I am and why I do what it is I do in the way that I do it I have to go back even farther.

I guess it started on Valentines Day 2003.  I was so excited that morning when I woke up.  I didn't know that my entire life and my entire way of thinking about going to change before the night was over.  I was in my junior year of high school.  It was my first Valentines Day that I actually had a real date.  I know that I was just a teenager who had rose colored glasses on but it was so special to me.  Until 2pm that afternoon.  I was sitting in my study hall when the school nurse came to get me.  Now this was not a rare occasion for me to be pulled out of class but this was unusually for the nurse to come and get me.  She was normally trying to keep me out of her office.

When I got to her office, another unusual thing occurred.  My parents were waiting for me there.  Not just my mom, but my dad as well.  They were on their way to a retreat but needed to talk to me before they left. They had just gotten a call from my Aunt before getting ready to leave.  She had just been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer.  They were coming to my high school to tell me the results of the tests before they left for the weekend.

I felt betrayed.  Not by my parents but by the world in general.  Why was this happening to our family?   Hadn't we suffered enough?  We had just buried 2 of my uncles who had lost their battles to lung cancer.  Did we really need to go through this again?

We watched as she went through chemo, radiation, and surgery in the hopes of finding the cure.  For 18 long and painful months we watched as the woman everyone loved to be around slowly started drifting away from us.  We sat by unable to do anything as she forgot who we were.  My dear aunt who I loved and was closer to then my own mother at the time was dying and no one could stop it.  On August 26 2004, heaven gained another angel.  And I lost my desire to do any thing or care about anyone.

From the moment we got down to my grandparents house to start the funeral arrangements, I was pissed.  I was pissed at my Grandma who told me that there would be no tears in her house that weekend.  I was pissed at God for taking my aunt.  I was pissed at everyone that came by acting like they knew her.  They didn't know her.  She was my aunt!

Well I have to sign off for now.  But don't worry I will return to continue the story of my life.